Today I made my mother cry.....
It was a horrible experience. I never intend to upset her and I found out today that I did it unintentionally. How?? By neglecting myself.
For years now my mom has told me to adopt a "selfish" attitude. Not that she wants me to be selfish per se´, but she wants me to take care of myself. She wants to see me spend the time I spend on others on myself sometimes. But until today, her words fell on deaf ears.
Today I was forced to take a real look at myself and how contradictory I am living. On the one hand I am developing this blog about total wellness. I am a health and wellness coach. And, I encourage all who will hear me to workout and eat healthier. Meanwhile, my house is cluttered, I wear old ratty sweats and my husband's t-shirts, rarely style my hair unless I absolutely have to, and my undergarments don't match. And I am losing the makeup battle also.
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 36. I know, way too old for my mom to have to slap sense into me. I can't go on being hypocritical so I am sharing in hopes that no one you love will have to do this for you. Anyway... she cried her heart out to me. She wasn't sobbing but she did cry.
She shared her concern that I was either depressed or overwhelmed. When she came over my home was in total disarray. There was laundry on the couch, toys on the floor, clutter everywhere, and my kitchen needed love. I was dressed in what has become my household uniform of sorts....no bra, a tank-top, and some old ratty sweats. It really depressed her. My hair wasn't combed either. It hurt her to see me looking that way.
She expressed to me how she raised me differently and my adolescent self loathing had seemed to grow with me and is effecting my life and the lives of those who love me.
As a wife and mother, I was comfortable with setting myself aside for what I believed was the "greater good." You know... at least my children dress well, my husband is fed, or I can help others... blah blah blah...
Today, I realized I was living the life of a martyr. I sacrificed myself for foolishness. I had to ask myself the hard questions today.
It isn't that I can't clean house. I know how to do that. It isn't that I can't do my hair and it takes just as much effort to put on jeans and a nice shirt as it does those sweats and tank-top. So.. what is the problem?
I've become lazy. I have allowed myself to lose sight of what I want out of life trying so hard to be what I think others want me to be. I have 2 daughters and a son... I do not want them living this way. I am scarring them! And it took the tears of my mother to show me.
As a mother, I set the tone of the house. If I want healthy children... I have to teach them. More is caught than taught so, that means LIVING what I teach. Last year I inspired my husband to exercise. He would have continued if I had. So, again, even as the submissive wife... I have the greater influence in the household. Just like the woman in Proverbs 31. She set the tone. She set the pace. She kept herself healthy, ran a successful business, and made her husband the envy of all his friends. Not to mention her charitable works and how she raised her children.
I have to do better. Bottom line. And today, is a brand new day. My mom lit a fire inside of me and I will not let her down. But more importantly I will not let myself down.
Today, I put away the laundry, packed a bag of things to be donated, and tomorrow the real work begins. Tonight I will get my workout in and go to bed early so I can rise early and get started. No more laziness. No more letting things simply happen around me. I am a mother not a martyr! and it is high time I start acting like it!
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